I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
