I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
