I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize