Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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