I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
stop calling my apartment porn island.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize