My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
