I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
