Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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