Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
this is an emotional support booty call
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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