I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
