I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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