I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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