i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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