I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Randomize