happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
