I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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