She is in my trunk
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You ate ashes out of my bong
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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