note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
