I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
