I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
