Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize