i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
