Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
