Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
