I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
