How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
