Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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