I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
