I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
