I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
