I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
