Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
