im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
