Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
