did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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