come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
