If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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