it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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