I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize
