I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Randomize
