After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
