I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
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