I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
