I think I just saw someone hide a body.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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