it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
