The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
