Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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