I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
