there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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