I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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