I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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