As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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