i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
